YES!

You people wanna know how I spend my afternoons? I spend them attempting to learn how to do this........... (Warning: I had to edit the panel to truly show the awesomeness?)

When I first saw this panel two things went through my mind.....

1) FUCK YEAH!

2) What kind of sound is sclup?

IMAGINE ALL THE THINGS I COULD ACCOMPLISH WITH THIS TECHNIQUE!....

--------------------------------

(Andy walks into local Pizza Hut)

Pizza Hut guy: Hi sir welcome to pizza hut. How can I help you today?

Andy: Yeah, I'd like to order a......pizza.

Pizza Hut guy: And what would you like on that pizza?

Andy: Mushrooms.....WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SHIRT!

*SCLUP!*

(Shirt lands on Pizza Hut guy's face)

Andy: HAH!

(P.H.G. immediately pulls the shirt away from his face)

Andy: Fuuuuck!

Pizza hut guy: What...What was that for?

Andy: What?

Pizza hut guy: Why did you just....flex you're shirt into my face?

Andy: (shirtless and ashamed) I don't....I don't know what you're talking about.

Pizza hut guy: What happened to your shirt then?

Andy: Shirt?

Pizza hut guy: Yeah. The shirt you were wearing not two seconds ago.

Andy: It....It dissapeared. Happens all the time. I have to go now.

--------------------------

I hope to one day live that dream.

GOOSEBUMPS PART 3 : GHOST BEACH!

Ghost Beach? You're not even trying Stine. No "Terrible secret of Ghost Beach" or "Don't go to Ghost Beach!". Just Ghost Beach? They just handed you money didn't they asshole.

----------------------------
Executive: So listen R.L. we need another Goosebumps book. You got any ideas.

R.L. Stine: Yeah the other day I was at the beach and I was all like "What if there were ghosts here?" and then thought "DING! Damn R.L. you got another winner on your hands!". And right after that my children said they hated me.

Executive: So what are you gonna call it?

R.L. Stine: I was thinking "The beach with ghosts" or....(GASP) I GOT IT! "GHOST BEACH"!

Executive: Brilliant! Heres a million dollars!
---------------------------
So the books about these kids who go to visit their aunt and uncle in this small town. When they get there they meet these other kids who have the same last name as them, because apparently the gene pool in this place is fairly shallow. Now these inbred fucks proceed to tell them about
this spooky cave.....

.....that has this flickering light and apparently is haunted by ghosts. So the kids, being retarded and all, decide to go check out this cave. But it turns out the light in the cave isn't a ghost....IT'S A SCIENTIST THAT STUDIES GHOSTS! Yes and he lets the kids know that the inbred fucks they were chatting with earlier ARE GHOSTS! HOT DAMN! But thats not the big twist...the big twist in this book is....that the kids aunt and uncle are....GHOSTS! HOT DAMN AGAIN! Wait....now I'm sorry but didn't anyone notice that the aunt and uncle died. How did the kids parents not realize that.

---------------------------------

Dad: Hey Judy guess who I got a letter from today.

Mom: Who?

Dad: Richard and Janet!

Mom: Didn't they die in a mysterious fire two years ago?

Dad: Thats what I thought....BUT it seems they're okay! And they want the children to live with them for the summer!

Mom: Why that sounds like a great idea! Where do they live again?

Dad: Ghost Beach! KIDS START PACKING!

---------------------------------------

Kids, I would consider giving childrens aid a call.

GOOSEBUMPS PART 2: THE HAUNTED MASK 2!!!!!!! two....

Yeah the Haunted Mask 2..... probably not since.....Metallica's "The Unforgiven 2" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1mgEQTMVB8) has there been a more asked for sequel. I had sooooo many questions after not reading The Haunted Mask 1 that I felt there had to be a sequel. So this one is about this vindictive asshole (named Steve) that basically and I quote "Wants to scare those first graders....TO DEATH!" and why? Because the first graders play pranks on him. Probably the most improbable one being that they....

-found wet concrete

-rolled a section of the wet concrete into a ball

-waited for it to dry and then proceeded to carry the ball on concrete to their soccer field

-painted the now dry concrete like a soccer ball

-tricked the main character into kicking said concrete ball

Now I don't now about you but if a bunch of first grader manged to pull that prank on me, I wouldn't even be angry....that's just impressive. I mean when I was in first grade all I did was draw pictures of boats. That prank takes serious commitment. WAY TO GO KIDS!

So his big plan (conceived by his friend Chuck who I think has a crush on the main character) is to find a scary mask and scare the first graders, but not just any scary mask....THE SCARIEST MASK! Wow. Now apparently this girl he knows had a really scary mask last year so tries to ask her about it. The girl warns him that the masks are haunted and that you don't want to wear them. He doesn't listen though...so in my opinion he has whatever happens to him coming. I always listen to what people warn me about no matter how bizzare it sounds. In fact one time my friend Dunbar told me not to go outside or the ghost or Steven Seagal would innapropiately touch me. Now that sounds incredibly improbable but I listened to him anyway because.....what if he was right? Nobody wants to be innapropiately touched by the ghost of Steven Seagal. NOBODY! Now not only does this kid not listen to that girl but also ignores this crazy magician guy with "vampire eyes!" that tells him not to put on the mask. AND THEN when he has the mask hidden under his shirt THE MASK BITES HIM. Kid still doesn't put two and two together. Congratulations kid you're a fucking idiot. So he puts the mask on and it won't come off and bad shit happens. So now he needs the girl to help him get the mask off. If I was that girl I wouldn't fucking help that guy, that guy's an asshole. But she helps him anyway. Apparently all he needed to do was find some sort of suit that belongs to mask itself and then the mask comes....off.....I wasn't really paying attention at this part, but I have a feeling the ending didn't really make sense anyways. BUT WAIT THERES A TWIST.....Steve's friend Chuck put on another haunted mask. AND THIS ONE WON'T COME OFF! Oh Chuck! You're so retarded! Hillarity ensues...yeah.

BONUS: I just wanted to add that on the back of the cover to this book there's the title to the next goosebumps book called "The Beast from the East". Unfortunately I don't have it but I'm hoping its about Bruce Springsteen...AS A MONSTER! Or Bam Bam Bigelow. You pick.

COMING TUESDAY....PART 3! FOR REALS!

GOOSEBUMPS PART 1: EGG MONSTERS FROM MARS! FUCK YEAH!

Allright! So E.M.F.M. (abbreviations YEAH!) is basically about this kid....who like.....finds this egg. The eggs an alien. There's a doctor after them.....allright,look, I have to be honest with you guys, I didn't actually read egg monsters from mars. I know, I know. Check out this cover though

The tag line is actually "They're no yolk!". Really. I'm not shitting you. Also, look at the rest of that cover! That has to be the most retarded thing I've ever seen, and believe you me, I've seen some pretty fucking retarded things. Imagine if someone caught me actually reading this......

-------------------------

Andy's friend: Hey Andy we got some watermelo-......are you reading goosebumps?

Andy: WHAT!? NO! WHY WOULD YOU ASK?! ITS FOR A WEBSITE!

Andy's friend: (creeped out look on face) Okay....look I'll.....I'll just leave you to it then.

Andy: ITS FOR A WEBSITE! FUCK! I HATE YOU EGG MONSTERS FROM MARS! HATE!

-------------------------

THAT COULD'VE HAPPENED! Someone could be so disgusted with my choice of reading material that they would actually shoot me. Stranger things have happened. I think another good reason for why I didn't actually read comes from this description from wikipedia....

"Brandy - She is good at getting everything she wants by flashing her smile and putting on a baby face. There is no way that her mom and dad can say no to her. She has a bad habit of farting. Her brother Dana is sick of it..."

That makes me never want to read again. A bad habit of farting? Really? What are you on opium R.L. Stine? Fuck man. Just fuck.

I don't want you guys to think I won't read the other books, because I will, it's just that egg monsters from mars was too bad, just too terrible, just a.....rotten....book....egg....I can't....think of a good pun. Thats how much the thought of reading this book fucked with my head.

REGARDLESS TUNE IN ON FRIDAY FOR PART TWO : THE HAUNTED MASK 2! (which I will read. Promise.)

EDIT: Its Egg Monsters From Mars.....I'm an idiot.

The eternal hatred of David Suzuki.....

Have you ever sat down and wrote out a list of your enemies? Not in like a "HOORAY FOR GUNS!" way but more in a "lets set up a comedic bit!" sorta way. Well I've written that list and I have to say for someone who doesn't get out much, the amount of hatred poured my way is shocking really......Tis a two way street though. I got all fancy talk on your ass right there. Also I'm not even gonna put Phil Collins or Ben Affleck on there because....really....who doesn't have them on their enemies list?

Andy's Rivals

--------------------------------------------------------------

18. The reanimated remains of Vincent Price

17. The internal combustion engine

16. Soup

15. David Suzuki (YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID SUZUKI!)

14. Zucchini (but not in bread form....Zucchini bread is delicious.)

13. Boba Fett

12. Boba Fett's Dad Jango Fett

11. Boba Fett's Grandfather Ted......Fett

10. Ice Man from Mega Man 1

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQHZQOZJOjc)

9. Bob Newhart (circa. 1991)

8. Chevy Chase (circa. FOREVER!)

7. The words "obligations" and "child support" and "deadbeat father"

6. The 1983 Minnesota Twins

5. Amelia Earhart

4. Peter Gallagher's right eyebrow

3. Giraffes (Your tallness doesn't itimidate me, assholes)

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8Wrdmk3dA0 look at them....pure evil)

2. The man who decided that medicine shouldn't have that delicious fake Banana taste anymore.

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT MAN WHOSE NAME I AM NOT, NOR WILL

EVER BE, AWARE OF!

AND AT NUMBER ONE........

1. FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT GROVER CLEVELAND! Why? Cause he's a dick thats why.